‘Who is REALLY caring for your children?’

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My wife came with me to the recent Dad 2.0 conference in New Orleans (thanks again, Cottonelle, for the trip!), where I attended sessions and workshops while she drank cafe au lait at Cafe du Monde, visited cemeteries, and otherwise explored the city.

I’m joking. Mostly. While she did sample more of the local cuisine and color than I did, she actually attended some sessions, too, and visited the sponsor booths and suites, and met and talked with dads from around the country. She was an active attendee, and I was excited and proud to be able to share the experience with her.

My wife works with developmentally delayed infants and toddlers, a job for which she attended a conference of her own on Tuesday earlier this week. The day after she got back, she surprised me with this e-mail:

“Yesterday, I went to a conference in a neighboring city. It was nothing like Dad 2.0, with all of its glitz and swag (the entirety of my ‘swag’ for this one was a printout of the PowerPoint presentation and a folder—in my color choice—to store it in). No Lee jeans, no Starbucks (in fact, the first announcement of the morning was an apology for the fact that they forgot to buy Half and Half to accompany the industrial urns of watery coffee). I left my house at 5:45 in the morning and returned roughly 12 1/2 hours later. The conference was attended primarily by educators, child development specialists, child advocates, and foster parents.

“During the breaks, I chatted with the people at my table. One woman asked if I hoped to have children someday. I informed her that I already have three children. She declared, ‘Oh, you do not look old enough to have children at all!’ Bless her heart. Of course she asked my kids’ ages. I told her. Upon learning that I have a toddler, she asked how I could get away from him for an entire day to attend a conference. I assured her he was safe and sound with my husband/his father, and I had no concerns about being away for a day. Then she said, ‘Sure, but who is REALLY caring for your children? You must have a nanny or a daycare provider. A man couldn’t possibly handle a toddler and two older children ALL DAY LONG.’ I was shocked. I’m sure I said something about my husband being an amazing father and just as capable of caring for our children as I am. But mostly I remember working very hard to keep myself from expressing my outrage in a way that was sarcastic, rude, or unproductive.

“I wish I could say this was an isolated incident, but this conversation—and the sentiment behind it—was repeated all day long as I chatted with more and more conference attendees. I am disheartened to realize that in a room of more than 150 professionals who work with children for a living, so many people are clinging to the idea that men cannot be competent (if not excellent) caregivers.

“I am thankful for Dad 2.0 and the blogging world that is working hard to change stereotypes of men and fathers. I am happy to see small changes in the media and advertising that are depicting involved, loving fathers. I hope to see more. I hope, as each year passes, fewer and fewer people react with surprise and shock when I say my children are with their father for the day.”

I was humbled and grateful to read my wife’s perspective, and though I have flown solo with the children before, I do have to point out that the two girls were in school for part of this particular day, and a friend did watch the kids for a couple of hours in the middle of the day since I edit two weekly newspapers and we were on production deadline. But I did get everyone out of bed, dressed, fed, brushed, and packed up in the morning; had the toddler with me in the office for the first third of the work day; handled all of the school drop-offs and pick-ups; edited articles for two newspapers with and without kids tugging at my sleeve; gathered up all the kids for the third third of the work day; drove them to an appointment in the late afternoon; and took all three back into the office with me at the end of—and past the end of—the work day because a computer crash in our production department deleted several files and I had to re-approve already-done work in order to make sure the paper could get to the printer late but intact.

Quickly moving from assessing libel risk to changing a poopy diaper is an odd shift, but not a prohibitively taxing one.

I am fortunate to have giving and flexible friends, bosses, and co-workers, without whom none of this crazy juggling would be possible. I’m amazed and grateful at the help we receive, and at the fact that my wife has a similarly busy schedule—plus she remembers the laundry—and pulls it off.

I’m not doing any of this (or mentioning it) for applause; it’s what has to be done. But I’m sure glad she’s the one I’m doing it with.

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8 thoughts on “‘Who is REALLY caring for your children?’

  1. franhunne4u says:

    I am as shocked as your wife was, that America is so far behind on the viewpoint that Dads are parents, too … And from professionals, too – that is disturbing! Good thing, that you and all the other amazing Dads who are the main care-givers prove those middle-ages-opinions wrong. Btw, mommies need friends and family and understanding job-people, too, to be able to take care of the kids – that is not a Dad special. In fact even non-parents like me need help from family, friends and their job-mates, now and then …

  2. Carleen Butterfield says:

    It is somewhat amusing to me that people are so living in the “present” that they don’t even think that prior to the industrial revolution, most children spent most of their time with both parents. Everyone in a family did his/her share of the work so that the family could have food, clothing and shelter. Some of our modern notions have developed a bias of their own.

    • holly says:

      Absolutely. Our babysitter has the good fortune of having a husband who can do farm-work with one or both children in tow, and her son can direct a truck onto a hitch better than most adults! We are supposed to learn together, as a family, working co-operatively on more than just the occasional board game!

  3. This was such a great post in so many ways. I’m thankful for the Dad Bloggers I’ve met and happy to carry the flag of (somewhat) competent fathers. Your wife’s email was great and hopefully we all can change perception.
    -Matt

  4. nealcallneal says:

    There’s nothing quite like being with someone who’s 100% on your team. That doesn’t just mean being a “cheerleader,” as one partner in a relationship was traditionally expected to be. Being on the same team means (enter soccer analogy) that when one person is chasing down the ball at the sideline, his/her teammate is either moving into a defensive position for support or an offensive position to further mutual ambitions. And then the roles flip-flop, as they will inevitably do as an opposing force tries something new and tricky, or as one you performs a great new maneuver to make a heroic counter-attack. The very best teammate to have is one who is versatile, who can fill in any role, and it sounds like you’ve got that, Ryan. You and your wife both. And anyone who doesn’t have that . . . it’s not too late to start kickin’ around a ball and polishin’ up those skills!

  5. shecando says:

    It is beyond crazy that people still openly support the notion that Men can not properly care for children. It’s barbaric. In my opinion, your wife did well to keep the sarcasm in check!

  6. Whatameany says:

    What a well written email… so c’mon, who REALLY wrote it?

    But in all seriousness, we all know this is mostly what happens http://weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/when-mom-is-alone-with-baby-vs-dad.jpeg

  7. Nicole says:

    If this is the reaction in 2014 to you watching the kids for ONE DAY, I can’t imagine the reaction my dad got as he raised my brother and I as a stay-at-home dad while my mom worked full-time. We are now both successful adults. I just don’t understand the thought that one gender or another is better at parenting. For the most part, it’s a learned skill!

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